Loving And Letting You Go

Dad, wherever you are, your death still haunts me. I feel like I was robbed of having an adult relationship with you and quite frankly I'm pissed off about it. There are some things that I'm having difficulty with reconciling. I often think about what our adult relationship would be like. My relationship with mom has undergone some incredible transformations. For years I resented her for my repressive childhood, but I guess you played a role in that too. It's really helped my heal to hear her admit that she made some parenting choices that she deeply regrets. I often wonder if you would have been willing to reflect on the impact some of your choices had on me. For a very long time I had a hard time admitting that I was wrong and would always defend and justify my actions even if they caused another person harm. I learned that behavior from you. I know you tried your best, but you were human and had a really shit childhood rife with trauma. I also know that while you were st...

I'm learning to validate my feelings. Right now they're intense. I feel frustrated and angry most days and then I feel sad and despondent. What are my feelings telling me. Today I felt a flash of anger and resent towards Jen. It's been brewing for a long time. In many ways I feel like I've outgrown the relationship but there's also this anger towards her because I feel abandoned and neglected. My lack of reaching out to her has been deliberate because I'm pissed off about being flaked out on for the past several years. I'm also annoyed with her lack of proactivity when it comes to taking care of herself. I guess my part in this is that I take over responsibility for people and make it my personal mission to solve their problems. I don't respect their right to make bad choices. I have been in a super emeshed relationship with her and have assumed the role of the dominant one. This is a relationship pattern for her and me. I did the same thing with Dan too...