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Processing Your Remains

A year ago I was in a DARK place contemplating suicide and feeling hopeless. When I decided to keep living and not kill myself, I did what I always do and started taking the steps I needed to fix my problems. I started EMDR to deal with the trauma of losing you the way I did. What resulted was remarkable. I was able to separate the person you were before the mugging, addiction and head injury with the person that remained afterwards. I held a funeral to honor the memory of the partner and friend I lost. I buried pictures of you under a tree next to the ocean and sunk momentos from our wedding im a chest that now inhabits the bottom of Burrard Inlet. As I threw that treasure chest off the side of the cliff a weight lifted. I was finally able to say goodbye to the love that I lost as I watched it disappear into the depths of the sea. I felt free to move forward without guilt of a sense if obligation to a ghost. The people that we once were when we were together can spend eternity in the ...
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The Aftermath is Killing Me

Living without you is excruciating because I still have to live with the aftermath of you. I've lost my faith. I've lost my hope. Faith and hope is what kept me going for the past 10 years. I held on to the faith that one day you'd get better. I hoped for the best, but things only got worse and worse. I don't believe in anything anymore. Watching your downward spiral crushed that part of me that had faith and hope. When I let go of the idea that I'd ever get you back I let go of my faith too. After all, what did it get me? A whole world of hurt and wasted years. I don't think I can go on in a faithless existence and I'm afraid to hope because if my hopes get crushed again I think, I'm just gonna call it quits. In fact, things have been headed that direction for a while. I don't really want to live anymore. The only thing keeping me alive is my obligation to Trent, but I must confess I have my moments where I don't even care about that anymore. I ...
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It's Over

I've made the decision to cut the person you've become out of my life. I have no use for this relationship anymore. It only causes me pain and distress. I keep having panic attacks because of it. My animal brain is telling me that holding on to you is dangerous and that I need to run. My better judgment has told me to run for a long time now. I'm going to listen to myself and stop fighting and hoping that some day the person you were will come back to life. Your addiction has killed that person. I hope that you can climb out of this pit, but I'm not longer willing to come visit you in it.  I'm moving on with my life. I have good things going on. I have my friends, my family, my art, my music, my film career and a companion who loves me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I deserve happiness  and attempting to maintain a relationship with you makes me extremely unhappy. It’s why I'm done. This nighmareish chapter with you is finally over. Jenny
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I'm Still Holding Back

I feel like I can't be completely honest about my feelings regarding our relationship. I can express my love because it's a nice feeling. I can express my lust for you obviously, because that's the one thing in our relationship that's been consistent. I literally always want to fuck you. However underneath the love and lust is a bubbling cauldron of complicated feelings that I'm afraid to express. I am heartbroken and disappointed with the way things are. I hate that you struggle with addiction. I hate the way it's robbed you of your life. I hate the way I've allowed myself to be derailed by being your enabler. I'm afraid to confront you about certain things. I'm afraid that I'll make you feel bad if I'm brutally honest. When you tell me you miss me it cuts like a knife and releases all the rage inside of me because I'm pissed that you can't be a functional adult and partner and just get your shit together. I know it's hard, but f...
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Dear Dan

I love you. I know that I always will. What I don't know is if we can ever be together again. I can only control my end of things. I can't be in a domestic partnership with you as things are. I can't be any more than just friends with benefits until I'm confident that you've gone through recovery and have established a pattern of living autonomously, sober and empowered from within. That will take some time and it will not be easy for you. I will be your friend(with benefits if you want) as you walk through this journey, but I won't be able to live under the same roof as you during this process. We've tried it several times before and it doesn't work out because our relationship is still co-dependent in many ways and I am an enabler. I care about you so much and I know you can do it. I want to be with you again someday, but I know that can't happen until you make some lasting changes. I am going to continue to work on myself too. Even though I want t...
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Doubts

I'm filled with doubts today. I doubt my ability to stay strong and maintain my boundaries with respect to allowing you back into my life as a partner. I know logically as things stand you don't have the capacity to be an appropriate partner for me and quite frankly I don't want a domestic partner anymore. I feel more secure when the only person I have to rely on is myself. It's stressful to have to rely on someone else especially when they have repeatedly proven to be unreliable. I don't want to hold anyone else accountable for anything anymore. Those only person I want to hold accountable for anything is me. I am however lonely and really want a regular sexual partner. Gawd! I sound like such a dude. Because of my ravenous sexual appetite and your uncanny ability to satisfy it, I'm worried that my hormones will cloud my better judgment. I have to keep you at arms length though, for the sake of my sanity.
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FML Here We Go Again

So here we are about 7 days into you not smoking and 2 weeks(you claim) of you abstaining from alcohol. I'm inclined to believe you've at the very least cut back on your vices because your breathing sounds better and you appear more present and have more energy. You would think that I'd be over the moon happy about this. Part of me definitely is, BUT experience has conditioned me to be wary. I like you a lot more when your sober. I find you infinitely more attractive and hiring lies the problem...I begin to fantasize about the idyllic life I could have with you. I get caught up in the romantic fantasy of a "happily ever after" fairytale romance that was the shaky foundation upon which our initial relationship was built. Don't get me wrong, the first 2 years of our relationship were pure bliss, but then the trials and tribulations or real life hit and I failed those tests miserably. I had never experienced love in a relationship like I did with you. I naively t...
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