Loving And Letting You Go

Something incredible happened the other day. It was the day I decided to go to the US and buy you Rogaine. Since I started AA last week, every day I've been mindful of admitting my powerlessness over my big 4 vices of food, booze, sex and work. I've also been mindful of my belief that God can restore me to sanity. As I was about to order a sensible amount of food at the A&W drive thru-which as you know "sensible amount of food" and Jenny don't go together-I was overcome with joy. I seriously haven't felt joy without the aid of alcohol, food, orgasm or accomplishment in a very long time. It was incredible! I also felt something else...love. It was love for you, but unlike any other time I felt it before because it was without desire. In that moment I felt love for you, but I didn't desire to be with you, or miss you, or hope that one day things would change and we could be together again. I simply felt a deep love and adoration for you as you are in t...

I don't know that I'll ever have a partner in you again or at all, and I'm learning to be at peace with it. I have moments where I let those old attachments take root and allow myself to be overtaken with the desire to be with you again. Right now since it isn't possible, that desire quickly turns to suffering and I find myself seeking comfort in food and booze. I must resolve these issues before I can ever hope to be partnered with you or anyone ever again. Otherwise I will simply fall back into old habits. Truth be told, we both enabled each other's vices and made excuses for irresponsible hedonistic behaviour. Much of the reason being that we share the same vices to a large degree. If I am ever to be partnered again I cannot be with someone who is an enabler, nor do I want to be an enabler. If you can go 6 months without alcohol and pass a hair strand test by August 20th it will go a long way to restoring trust. However, it doesn't mean that we're goin...

I think I'm finally learning to let go of my attachments that have caused me immeasurable suffering over the past few years. I've had to let you go. I've had to face the possibility of a future without you and be ok with it. I've let the future I always pictured having with you go. I had to. Holding on to the idea of it while seeing that was not the direction things were goung was killing me. Holding on to you as you drowned yourself was killing me. I can't control you. I can't change you. I can't save you. All I can do is love you as you are in this moment. However, to preserve my sanity I must evaluate the feasibility of a partnership with you in this moment. I've come to the conclusion that right now thst isn't possible. I can't be with with someone I don't trust. I can't be with someone I'm afraid of. Maybe one day I will trust you again. Much of that depends on you though. Maybe one day I will heal enough that I'm no longer ...

I keep my mouth shut a lot to avoid conflict. Sometimes I do it to avoid hurt feelings. Mostly though, I feel like what I say falls on deaf ears. Gordon suggested that I write down the responses I hold back to the things you say to me. So here they are. You said "Sorry" Are you sorry? I feel like if you really were sorry, you would have changed your behaviour a long time ago. Maybe you will change? You're capable of it, but if the repeating pattern of behaviour is any indication of probability, I wouldn't bet on it. That being said, I hope you defy the odds. You said "Love you lots" But you don't love me. Not in the active sense anyway. If you did, you would have changed your behaviour a long time ago instead of being self centred and continuing to self medicate despite the harmful effect it was having on me, Rexy, Soren & my mom. The proof of love is through one's actions. It is true that you have shown me compassion in my times of pain and ...