Loving And Letting You Go

Hate me! Let me go! I want out! I can't live with you and I don't want to live with you in my life. I can't live with you in my life. You are a shadow of the past that keeps holding me back. Today especially I feel like death is the only way I'll be free of you.

At this moment in time, I think the most prominemt emotion I associate with you is indifference. At first that bothered me, but then when I really began to think about it, it makes perfect sense. Indifference is my general feeling towards people I don't know very well.  In the past 5 years your brain and body have undergone some very drastic changes. There isn't much left that is familiar. It is much akin to the way I lost my dad. The way you speak, view the world and treat people is not at all like the version of you I met almost 14 years ago. I held on to a man that does not exist in the present. I held this present version of you to the expectations I held for the version of you that I met. People change though and that's just a part of life. Sometimes they change for the better, sometimes the worse and sometimes they change into something completely unrecognizable. This version of you now I'm not too familiar with on a deep personal level. He doesn't let people ...

So, this day is kinda hard for me as you know already. I made the biggest mistake of my life on Valentine's Day 2001 by marrying Jay and then in 2004 my Dad's memorial happened and Jay acted like the world's biggest asshole. This day is hard and I was determined to have a nice one this year which is why I asked you to take it off so we could do fun family stuff, but NOOOOOOOOOOO! You had to pull a Jay and act like a complete ass. I shouldn't even call it pulling a Jay anymore since you've behaved like a giant man-child throwing a tantrum enough times that I've come to expect this behavior from you. You can disappoint me because my expectations of how you will behave in certain situations has changed. I fully expect that you will be a big giant grey cloud that will loom over every celabratory occasion. I don't expect that you will join in any merriment. You are now also where fun goes to die.

What is it that transformed you into such a bland, boring, humorless sack of apathy? I know I didn't do it, but at times I feel like you became like this just to spite me because you resent my exuberance, silliness and passion. I know that might sound crazy, but hear me out. I know that you resent my dedication to my art career and I wouldn't have such a drive if it weren't for my exuberance, silliness and passion. Plus I refuse to grow up and "settle down" as it were. Perhaps that's where we're at an impass, you wanted to settle down amd domesticate yourself whereas I have an utter revulsion towards that lifestyle.  The bottom line is that I was a poor match for you considering that we want very different things out of life. No wonder you're miserable and disappointed all the time! This relationship was a huge disappointment to you. You didn't get your nice house, big yard, family dinners and family vacations. I know you blame yourself and think y...