Loving And Letting You Go

I used to agree with the statement "Respect is earned not given." I still do agree in certain cases because there are many levels of respect. However, there is one level of respect in which it need not be earned. The respect for another person's autonomy. Just as there are many levels of respect, there are also many levels of autonomy. A person's right to the most basic level of autonomy, which is the right to exist, begins at 20 weeks gestation. Our legal system is based on the principle that all humans have a right to exist in safety free of harm. Violations of those rights have been deemed "crimes again the person," and are considered to be the most heinous of crimes. Crimes in this category include, murder, attempted murder, sexual assault, assault and armed robbery. You were robbed almost 5 years ago at knife point. Not only did they take your money, but they violated your autonomy by stripping you of your right to be safe both physically and mentally...

In addition to going to Al Anon, I started a 16 step group at SHARE. It's an interesting and somewhat overlapping approach to recovery as the 12 Steps but it would seem to focus a bit more on self care. I like the group so far. Mind you I've only been to one meeting but it was very uplifting. Not that I'm by any means a proficient expert yet, I'm learning to detach myself from other people and their situations and just focus on my behavior. I'm learning that so much of my attachmemt issues stem from my need to feel in control. It's amazing that all that remains as I let go of fear, resentment and desire is either complete neutrality for my enemies or pure love for those I'm fond of.

I came to a profound realization today that I went to AA to try to control your drinking. I wanted to overcome my fear. I was afraid to face MY problems. I was afraid that if I continued to drink that I would end up like you. I was afraid that if I continued to drink that I would start using it to hide from my problems like I believed you were doing. I couldn't separate my drinking from yours. I tried to do step 1 like my AA sponsor told me. She told me to write down 3 ways I am powerless over alcohol and 3 ways it has made my life unmanageable. All I could answer honestly at this point in my life was that I was powerless over your drinking and focusing and trying to control your drinking was taking the focus off of taking responsibility to face my own problems. My life had become unmanageable because I was trying to fix you and using unhealthy coping mechanisms to distract myself from my own powerlessness. I thought I had a drinking problem, but now I realize that I have a PTSD ...

I forgive all of the people who have caused me harm, but I can't forget. My ridiculously good memory is a curse. I remember details upon details that no one else does. I wish I had the memory of a neurotypical person. I also wish I could process emotions like a regular person. I wish the trauma that is trapped in my body could be released or at least managed. I hate what I am somtimes because I want peace in me and when I'm overwhelmed the only way I can see myself being fully at peace is if I leave this body by killing it. I don't want to die, but sometimes it seems like the only way out of this living inner nightmare. My life isn't even bad. My thinking brain just gets hijacked by my animal brain and tells me that I gotta get outta here. PTSD is a real bastard.

Yesterday I went to The VAG and took in a guided tour of the French Modernists exhibit. My favorite painting is a surrealist one which of course would come as no surprise. Surrealism is all about depicting our inner thought and dream world. I take my dreams seriously as I've found them to be portals to self discovery. Last night I had one about you. We were going to church and the location had moved close to Stories Beach which incidentally where my first Rapist lived. It's also where I was raped on his back balcony. When we arrived at church we sat at opposite sides of the building. The man sitting next to me was hiding a large beer can between his legs. Then, he stabbed a hole into like he was going to shot gun the whole thing. Instead he poured it into 2 plastic cups. He went to mingle and I noticed that when he spoke to you he handed you a cup of beer. You started drinking it. Later on when we met up I mentioned that I saw you drinking a cup of beer. You told me I was mist...

Today has been a bit fucked. I had to tell Brooklyn my support worker at BWSS about that unpleasant phone call with the RCMP last Sunday. She was really good at getting me to take a break and do grounding exercises when I needed it. I still had to take an Ativan at the end of it all so I could focus on driving, but she really helped me. I then went to The VAG and took in one of their guided tours. It was incredible. I learned so much. On the way to the pool however I started mulling over trauma and why I'm so fucked right now with my flight response being so easy to trigger. It never used to be this bad. But then I remembered my childhood and how my fight response was triggered on a very regular basis. My parents hit me alot. Of course they called it spanking, but it was done almost daily and for every little reason. If i said "no" I was spanked hard until I cried. If I didn't "obey at first command" I was spanked hard until I cried. They said it was out o...

The source of my love when I met you flowed from the One that is eternal and for that reason I will never stop loving you, but " I.will.let.you...go." You see, I was acting out of a God centered heart when we met. All that I am I owe to God. It was no coincidence that you fell in love so fast because it was not my humanness that you fell in love with but rather it was God working through me that you fell in love with. I knew that at the time, but thought better of telling you because I didn't think it was something you'd really understand. I'm telling you now though because I think it's a truth that you are capable of digesting because you are older and more experienced. You have also witnessed first hand what happens when we don't put God first. You understand the folly in worshipping another human and elevating me to the level of a deity. I, in my imperfect humanity will let you down, but God will never let you down. God's love must come first. On...

I've known for quite some time that forgivness is an ongoing process. It's not just a matter of saying "I forgive you" one time and be done with it. I'm learning that it is the same principle with other attachments. Unforgiveness after all is a form of attachment and forgiveness is the process of letting go of said attachment. The root word of forgiveness is "give" meaning to transfer from one's authority or custody. The definition of "for" when used as a prefix means completely or excessively. When I forgive I must transfer must relinquish custody and control of my unforgiveness including resentment, malice, fear and hatred completely. It must be an ongoing process otherwise it isn't complete. The same principle applies to other attachments including the ones pertaining to you. Yesterday I was having trouble with letting go of my sexual attachment to you. I began to feel entitlement to you on a sexual level. I was unable to let go of ...

So I'm doing step 1 with my AA sponsor today and she wanted me to come up with 3 ways I am powerless over alcohol. I'm having a tough time coming up with 3 that are relevant to my drinking habits in my current phase of life. I could easily come up with 3 from back in my early 20's before I sobered up for the first time. 1. Once I start I can't predict what is going to happen. Will I be able to limit myself? Will I black out? Will I drive drunk? Will I go off with a bunch of bikers because they offer me more booze? Who knows? It's basically a game of drunk roulette. 2. Flight response is gone. I could be in emminent danger and be completely unaware leaving me vulnerable to sexual perdators. I could be getting raped or groped and not able to fight the assailant off because I'm so incapacitated. It's happened more than once in me before I sobered up the first time. 3. Neurotransmitter imbalance that causes panic attacks and anxiety once the alcohol wears off...