The Subconcious Revelation

Yesterday I went to The VAG and took in a guided tour of the French Modernists exhibit. My favorite painting is a surrealist one which of course would come as no surprise.

Surrealism is all about depicting our inner thought and dream world. I take my dreams seriously as I've found them to be portals to self discovery. Last night I had one about you. We were going to church and the location had moved close to Stories Beach which incidentally where my first Rapist lived. It's also where I was raped on his back balcony. When we arrived at church we sat at opposite sides of the building. The man sitting next to me was hiding a large beer can between his legs. Then, he stabbed a hole into like he was going to shot gun the whole thing. Instead he poured it into 2 plastic cups. He went to mingle and I noticed that when he spoke to you he handed you a cup of beer. You started drinking it. Later on when we met up I mentioned that I saw you drinking a cup of beer. You told me I was mistaken and said that you were in fact drinking gingerale. I could smell the beer on your breath but I thought better of confronting you.

My second dream involved you, me, Sean and Amber all looking for a house to live in Maple Ridge. You still smelled like beer. I also worked at Century Cabinets again because you told me it only made sense for me to work close to where we were going to live. Everyone was excited at the prospect of living together except me. I didn't want to live in Maple Ridge. I didn't want to work at Century. The smell of beer seeping out from your pores was driving me crazy. I didn't want to live with 3 kids in the house. Not only that, but Sean and Amber insisted on getting the only room that had an ensuite attached to it. The room you and I had was tiny by comparison. I finally had enough and voiced how unhappy I was with the situation.

I said "I don't know why I'm stuck here, living in a town I hate, job I don't want, sharing a room with a man who keeps lying to me about his drinking!"

Sean started tearing up and choked out the words, "You guys are doing this because there's nothing left in Edmonton for me. All of my friends are gone. We need to find a place together because it's the only way we can ALL afford to live out here."

I responded, "Maybe the 3 of you want to share a place, but I was doing just fine affording a place of my own in Port Moody. I loved where I lived. I loved my job and I didn't have to sacrifice my happiness in any way. I'm going back! You guys are going to have to figure something out for yourselves without me."

My dream ended there.

Until I acknowledged what I wanted I believed I was stuck in a situation that I didn't want to be in. This is something I've done several times in my lifetime. It started in childhood when I wanted to leave that wretched school, but my parents wouldn't let me. If I complained I was threatened with physical abuse. I was literally stuck. There were so many situations like this in my childhood where I was stuck doing something for no other reason besides my parents wanted me to do it. Their will was absolute. They explained that God had granted them absolute authority over their children and to allow a child to have control would mean that they were defying the will of God.

This repressive upbringing shaped my perspective and when I got older I would believe that I was stuck in unwanted situations. It's why I put up with living with your alcoholism turning my world upside down for as long as I did. I wanted to leave way back in early 2016 before you went to MRTC but I believed I was stuck and just had to make the best of it. I believed that if I wanted to keep going with Borg Queen that I needed you around. I thought that if I were to survive financially I needed you around. It wasn't until I had reached my wit's end and made a leap of faith that I realized I didn't have to put up with a situation that was destroying my soul.

I've realized in this time apart, that I don't NEED you. I can be happy without you. If I choose to include you in my life, it's because I want you in it, not because I can't live without you.