Loving And Letting You Go

I'm lonely af. A lot of it's in me because I isolate myself and I'm afraid to forge new friendships. Some of it is just simply the pandemic and having lost touch with people. Another factor is my work schedule and not really having the time to hang out with people face to face. Anyway, I miss having companionship. Dan flip flops between being available and unavailable and I guess that's just the nature of his illness. I am getting to the point where I would welcome a romantic partner again in my life. There just doesn't seem to be any prospects. I can't do online dating.

In 12 Step programs we learn that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've had to unlearn a lot of insane behavior so big pat o  the back for me, but I still struggle with some things. 1. Binge consumption  Ugh. This one is tough. I binge eat and drink until I'm sick and full of calories, dopamine and remorse. Then I binge some more because of the remorse. 2. Forcing relationships  Why I keep trying to force a sexual/romantic relationship with you is beyond me. Why do I keep doing it? A. To fulfill a physical need for sex This one's kind of a no brainer. I want sex. I enjoy sex. You're the best sexual partner I've ever had, so naturally I want to fuck you. B. To fulfill a psychological need to feel adored. This one is more complicated. I guess I just like to be told how awesome I am and I have a bit of a God complex and enjoy being worshipped. I guess I could get it from other people but it's more convenient and ...