I'm Still Holding Back

I feel like I can't be completely honest about my feelings regarding our relationship. I can express my love because it's a nice feeling. I can express my lust for you obviously, because that's the one thing in our relationship that's been consistent. I literally always want to fuck you. However underneath the love and lust is a bubbling cauldron of complicated feelings that I'm afraid to express. I am heartbroken and disappointed with the way things are. I hate that you struggle with addiction. I hate the way it's robbed you of your life. I hate the way I've allowed myself to be derailed by being your enabler. I'm afraid to confront you about certain things. I'm afraid that I'll make you feel bad if I'm brutally honest. When you tell me you miss me it cuts like a knife and releases all the rage inside of me because I'm pissed that you can't be a functional adult and partner and just get your shit together. I know it's hard, but fuck, man! Can't you just figure it out? I waited 7 years for you to get healthy, but instead you just wallowed and cycled through benders and broken promises. I understand that you never intended to hurt me and that addiction is a complicated illness, so I've been able to let go of my resentment. There is still part of me that is so sad about how things are, but I know there's nothing I can do to change the way you manage your issues. Please just get your shit together and become a functional healthy adult. It's the bare minimum I am willing to accept in a prospective partner. 


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