Step 1 Breakthrough

I came to a profound realization today that I went to AA to try to control your drinking. I wanted to overcome my fear. I was afraid to face MY problems. I was afraid that if I continued to drink that I would end up like you. I was afraid that if I continued to drink that I would start using it to hide from my problems like I believed you were doing. I couldn't separate my drinking from yours.

I tried to do step 1 like my AA sponsor told me. She told me to write down 3 ways I am powerless over alcohol and 3 ways it has made my life unmanageable. All I could answer honestly at this point in my life was that I was powerless over your drinking and focusing and trying to control your drinking was taking the focus off of taking responsibility to face my own problems. My life had become unmanageable because I was trying to fix you and using unhealthy coping mechanisms to distract myself from my own powerlessness.

I thought I had a drinking problem, but now I realize that I have a PTSD problem, a fibromyalgia problem, a control problem, a fear problem and an attachment problem. Your drinking is your business and not mine.

I read Step 1 today in the Al-Anon book and in everyway I am powerless over alcohol, is exactly how it is described in the book. I actually thought that by going to AA and quitting drinking that I could be an example to show you how working the program could benefit you. What I now realize from reading the Al-Anon book is my reason for going to AA to "quit drinking" was so I could control your drinking.

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