All The Things I Don't Say

I keep my mouth shut a lot to avoid conflict. Sometimes I do it to avoid hurt feelings. Mostly though, I feel like what I say falls on deaf ears. Gordon suggested that I write down the responses I hold back to the things you say to me. So here they are.

You said "Sorry"

Are you sorry? I feel like if you really were sorry, you would have changed your behaviour a long time ago. Maybe you will change? You're capable of it, but if the repeating pattern of behaviour is any indication of probability, I wouldn't bet on it. That being said, I hope you defy the odds.

You said "Love you lots"

But you don't love me. Not in the active sense anyway. If you did, you would have changed your behaviour a long time ago instead of being self centred and continuing to self medicate despite the harmful effect it was having on me, Rexy, Soren & my mom. The proof of love is through one's actions. It is true that you have shown me compassion in my times of pain and I am grateful for that, but you have not shown me love through your actions in a long time. How can you love when you don't love yourself?

Consider the following definition of love:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Ask yourself if your behaviour over the past few years has been in line with those things mentioned above.

You said, "I need you. My world would surely be devoid of so much joy, wisdom, adventure and beauty if i had not met you."

If I have filled your world with joy, wisdom, adventure and beauty, then why have you pissed it all away? Your actions tell me that filling your world with those wonderful things is meaningless. Through your actions you have shown me that the good that I have brought into your life isn't worth fighting for. Can you honestly say that you've tried your best over the past few years? Can you honestly say that you've fought with all of your might to change your behavioural patterns and stay sober?

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