The Aftermath is Killing Me

Living without you is excruciating because I still have to live with the aftermath of you. I've lost my faith. I've lost my hope. Faith and hope is what kept me going for the past 10 years. I held on to the faith that one day you'd get better. I hoped for the best, but things only got worse and worse. I don't believe in anything anymore. Watching your downward spiral crushed that part of me that had faith and hope. When I let go of the idea that I'd ever get you back I let go of my faith too. After all, what did it get me? A whole world of hurt and wasted years. I don't think I can go on in a faithless existence and I'm afraid to hope because if my hopes get crushed again I think, I'm just gonna call it quits. In fact, things have been headed that direction for a while. I don't really want to live anymore. The only thing keeping me alive is my obligation to Trent, but I must confess I have my moments where I don't even care about that anymore.
I contemplate suicide a lot. I've decided that I'll probably make myself bleed out. It seems relatively painless and quick. Nothing in my life seem worth living for anymore. The fact that I can say that proves that I'm hopeless. Nothing can save me. I'd challenge God to save me, but it feels like they don't care either. Fuck it all.

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