FML Here We Go Again

So here we are about 7 days into you not smoking and 2 weeks(you claim) of you abstaining from alcohol. I'm inclined to believe you've at the very least cut back on your vices because your breathing sounds better and you appear more present and have more energy. You would think that I'd be over the moon happy about this. Part of me definitely is, BUT experience has conditioned me to be wary.

I like you a lot more when your sober. I find you infinitely more attractive and hiring lies the problem...I begin to fantasize about the idyllic life I could have with you. I get caught up in the romantic fantasy of a "happily ever after" fairytale romance that was the shaky foundation upon which our initial relationship was built. Don't get me wrong, the first 2 years of our relationship were pure bliss, but then the trials and tribulations or real life hit and I failed those tests miserably.

I had never experienced love in a relationship like I did with you. I naively thought that the strong love that we had would conquer all and prevail over all the obstacles we would face. I thought that in order for a relationship to be successful that all you need is love, acceptance, loyalty and trust.

Now I know better. Now I know that love acceptance, loyalty and trust are just the foundation. I still love you. I don't think that will ever change. Loyalty is a quality that you and I both value and possess. Time has proven that. Despite our ups and downs, when it comes down to the wire, you and I have always been there for each other. Trust also comes naturally for both of us. I think that you and I are both pretty trusting people, but there is another term for that...naivety. Naivety, both yours and mine was our Achilles heel. 

As for acceptance, it was easy to accept you when you were sweet, uncomplicated and compliant. I didn't turn a blind eye to what I recognized as a substance use disorder within a few weeks of knowing you. I also recognized that you were privileged, financially irresponsible and dependent on your parents. I too, shared those traits so I chose to accept you as you were. The unfortunate part is that I didn't possess the tools needed to deal with the practical ramifications of sharing a life with a fellow spoiled brat. 

As life became more complicated and challenging I had a harder and harder time accepting you. Instead of looking at my part in the dysfunction, I focused on trying to improve and regulate you. That was when the foundation started to crack. Unfortunately neither one of us possessed the tools at the time to repair the crack. 

I have the tools now, but I no longer trust. I struggle with acceptance, and even though I love you, I try so hard not to, because I'm afraid to. Right now I'm struggling because I'm catching myself having feelings towards you, but I'm afraid that if I allow myself to love you as madly and deeply as before that things will fall apart again. I guess I no longer trust myself.



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