All The Feelings

I'm learning to validate my feelings. Right now they're intense. I feel frustrated and angry most days and then I feel sad and despondent. What are my feelings telling me. Today I felt a flash of anger and resent towards Jen. It's been brewing for a long time. In many ways I feel like I've outgrown the relationship but there's also this anger towards her because I feel abandoned and neglected. My lack of reaching out to her has been deliberate because I'm pissed off about being flaked out on for the past several years. I'm also annoyed with her lack of proactivity when it comes to taking care of herself. I guess my part in this is that I take over responsibility for people and make it my personal mission to solve their problems. I don't respect their right to make bad choices. I have been in a super emeshed relationship with her and have assumed the role of the dominant one. This is a relationship pattern for her and me. I did the same thing with Dan too. I need to detach. 
I need to get away emotionally speaking from these types of people. I need to seek out healthier relationships and honor boundaries. Perhaps my flight response is just my intuition telling me to detach.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I'm Angry

I have no malice. I have no ill will towards you. I am hurt and right now I am angry. I am angry that despite my years of trying to support you through your struggles with alcoholism, we're still in the same place repeating the same cycle over and over again. I take responsibility for enabling you. I take responsibility for my role in a co-dependent relationship. I don't blame you, but I am angry and I am damaged...badly. I wish you'd get your shit together and by that I mean get some self esteem and start practicing self care. If you started to do that, your life would drastically improve. We're not talking about me right now so don't start pointing the finger back at me and telling me that I need to do the same thing. You need to focus on you, not me. What I do should be of no consequence to you. I appreciate that you have cared for me when I've had struggles with my health, but you've cared for me in lieu of caring for yourself and that has to stop. I...
Read more

I'm Still Holding Back

I feel like I can't be completely honest about my feelings regarding our relationship. I can express my love because it's a nice feeling. I can express my lust for you obviously, because that's the one thing in our relationship that's been consistent. I literally always want to fuck you. However underneath the love and lust is a bubbling cauldron of complicated feelings that I'm afraid to express. I am heartbroken and disappointed with the way things are. I hate that you struggle with addiction. I hate the way it's robbed you of your life. I hate the way I've allowed myself to be derailed by being your enabler. I'm afraid to confront you about certain things. I'm afraid that I'll make you feel bad if I'm brutally honest. When you tell me you miss me it cuts like a knife and releases all the rage inside of me because I'm pissed that you can't be a functional adult and partner and just get your shit together. I know it's hard, but f...
Read more

Doubts

I'm filled with doubts today. I doubt my ability to stay strong and maintain my boundaries with respect to allowing you back into my life as a partner. I know logically as things stand you don't have the capacity to be an appropriate partner for me and quite frankly I don't want a domestic partner anymore. I feel more secure when the only person I have to rely on is myself. It's stressful to have to rely on someone else especially when they have repeatedly proven to be unreliable. I don't want to hold anyone else accountable for anything anymore. Those only person I want to hold accountable for anything is me. I am however lonely and really want a regular sexual partner. Gawd! I sound like such a dude. Because of my ravenous sexual appetite and your uncanny ability to satisfy it, I'm worried that my hormones will cloud my better judgment. I have to keep you at arms length though, for the sake of my sanity.
Read more