Why Do I Even Fucking Bother?

I've come a long way in letting you go, but old habits die hard. I guess when I start sharing my innermost thoughts I still expect you to respond in a way that validates me. More often than not you respond with indifference and it's hard not to take it personally sometimes. I've dropped a lot of my expectations and have received the gift of serenity in return which is a vast improvement from the ongoing turmoil that was my day to day interactions with you prior to Al Anon. I must confess that I am lonely and part of me is still trying to force a relationship of sorts even though my better judgement tells me that I will only end up feeling frustrated. 

So why do I even bother? I don't find you particularily appealing on any level anymore. Most of the time you're indifferent, grumpy, callous, miserable and stand offish. While you're perfectly entitled to be the way you are, I can't imagine anyone in their right mind wanting to engage on a personal level with such a person. So, why do I even bother?

Perhaps I hope that in time you'll be better in a better place with your mental health. Perhaps I hope that in time you'll start taking better care of your health and become more appealing again.

Perhaps I'm just a fool who lives in a world of possibility rather than reality. I am after all a person who's had crushes that have lasted almost a decade even though there was no indication that the other party was even remotely interested.

The only reason even remotely rooted in reality for me to have any kind of amicable relationship with you is so I can have Trent in my life. The reality is that I am not physically capable of being a single parent. Trent's education and my mental and physical health would suffer if you weren't around to get him off to school in the morning. For that reason I am grateful to have you around.

I do however have to stop living in a hopeful fantasy that one day our relationship will be reignited. If for whatever reason one day that happens, then great, but for now I need to really acknowledge that what we once had is in the past. It doesn't make it less special or valid, but it is in the past. I need to just accept that and live in the present.