One Day At A Time

Dear Dan,

I flip-flop day to day regarding whether or not I can embrace my living situation with you. At best, it serves my interests, and at its worst I find myself feeling extremely frustrated, lonely and planning my exit strategy. A lot depends on your level of sobriety and my ability to adapt to where you're at. It's a lot of ups and downs. The lack of consistency is really stressful. It's probably the greatest source of stress in my life.

On your good days I find myself becoming hopeful that this is the turning point. Then, my hopes are shattered when you go on another bender. I know you're sick and just doing your best to cope, but it's really hard being shown the light at the end of the tunnel and then having to go back into the darkness. 

When I'm in a good headspace I find it easier to adapt, but lately it's become increasingly difficult. I'm worn out. I find myself having a harder and harder time coping. I feel irritated and emotionally drained most days. I try my best to keep my head aoat but feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

When you're healthy, living with you is great. When you're not healthy it's an utter hellscape. I wish you could get better, but I know that all the wishing and hoping in the world isn't going to make it so. I pray for you and for myself to have the strength to keep going.

I regret my behavior at the beginning of our relationship. I wasn't ready to move in with you and held on to the resentment that I was forced into a situation that I felt was out of my control. I wish I had the psychological and spiritual tools back then that I have now. I don't know if things would have necessarily turned out any different, but at least I would have been able to go with flow a little better.

Right now it's one day at a time. Yesterday with you was good and I hope that continues throughout today. As always, I'm cautiously optimistic. Eventually, if things don't change on a more consistent basis I am going to have to remove my living situation from yours, but not today. I'm too sick and tired to spend my energy thinking about the future. I just need to focus on today.

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